The readers believe that the truth of life refutes the theories of psychologists
Conflict of relationship between the son and mother argues in his article “Why not from the boy grows a man? ” room 19 January) psychologist Tatiana Gaganov, that is, touched our readers for a living.
Parental love and care should not interfere with children to build a personal life. Photo: Natalia SEAGULLS
Learn to manage motherly love
That was what the mother of an adult son who has subscribed Olga Petrovna, in the letter which came to the editor by mail: “Every woman gives birth to a child primarily for themselves. Believe me, no mother gives birth to a son for someone else. First and foremost, she sees him as a man, who will protect and love her always, no matter what twists and turns of life. Thus the woman may not recognize in this report, but that is exactly the attitude she expects from her son.
The question is, how wise she as a mother and as skillfully hides his true feelings. How she is able to play and pretend, figuratively speaking. If the woman is unable to manage her motherly love, growing up, the son will be burdened by her affection, and then between them will not develop friendships, and that is what any mother wants. To her grown son became her true friend. That was the first call. These are deep feelings link the mother and son in most cases. And the theory about some sort of snow Queen and the like I think this is simply untenable”.
Very candid feedback on the site “evening” leave the reader under the nickname “the commentator”. He also argues with the psychologist, telling a story of his own life. Here is the entry with some reductions.
“I am a Woman built on a pedestal”
“Rejoice always, looking at the lovers, and very jealous of them, even secretly dream about the same thing, because by nature man is absolutely a family. I love girls, messing around with children. And even noticed that young children reason to me stretch. Here. And yet for all of my adult (and not) life I had no sex nor even kissing. Never dated (Yes, no, never), no wearing of portfolios or holding hands — anything that remotely resembled at least a friendly relationship.
I grew up in a very loving family. Big family, with a large number of relatives, caring people. Where there were no scandals, drunken quarrels, accusations “you ruined my life, you bastard”, quiet hatred, and more so much blatant disregard to me — I felt nothing. But do not believe that we can inspire girls good feelings.
I get to communicate with my mom proof of her love in the form of affection, of warmth, but as an adult, have a variety of emotional problems. None of the three situations outlined above to me, IMHO, is not applicable. Mother had not borne me “for you” to love “with a guarantee for life”, not kept cold distance, and did not manipulate, boasting the ability to leave out in the cold. But it did not make me an optimist, who believes that the world is good, but temporary difficulties can be overcome, it is not assured that I am worthy of love, didn’t do relationships with women easier and more enjoyable, is not spared from the feeling of complete insignificance and especially not allowed to accept yourself and (the horror!) your body.
To school took care of me, only hand drove, myself categorically not let go. But first, I had developed the complex — I pathologically hate to touch me woman, much less enough for a hand (and the girls, on the contrary, strive to do it, otherwise they do not touch very important). And secondly, we must not forget that the position of the “child, bathed in the parents ‘ care and affection”, very profitable, quickly get used to it. It’s great when everything’s done for you. Even if I live for you. So I stopped to show at least some interest in life and autonomy. Not interested in almost anything, except the clever books that read really in large numbers.
But what I do, what knowledge and skills not acquired the skills to be bought, which deeds may be committed — nor how much it raised my self-esteem, not one iota of added confidence. To 14 – 15 years, I already knew exactly what future for me there is not expected that the share of the lousy is to bury relatives, inexorably diminishing in number, around me no one is born, only to die. And generally the task — also in a hurry to waste power, eject, “the dustbin of history”.
Mother, my beloved man does not hit a woman and even more so not made me hate girls. What you — to the contrary, I am happy to say nice things to them, nice to congratulate, to lend them a shoulder to support (the truth — have all done), pull of gravity for them, open doors, throw for the girls in the fire — and I admire. But — only for their own sake, yet it is beneficial to only one side. I shall not allow to obtain reciprocity. In my thoughts, figuratively, I am a Woman built on a pedestal like a goddess, which I myself do not arise”.
The first step has been made
It seemed to us that this is a poignant message — the request for assistance, so we decided that without qualified advice of a psychologist here not to do, and turned to the young specialist who, in our opinion, will be better able to understand the young person.
Comment
Psychologist Anna Tikhonova:
— As hard as it was to the person who wrote such a response, and it is hard for him — that is obvious — still he is to be congratulated. The first step he has already done: he acknowledged that he has a psychological problem and formulated it. He even outlined some points that need work, for example, speaks the truth about low self-esteem. Now the second step is to consult a specialist. It requires very specific work. The situation step by step. This can be done only in personal communication with the psychologist. I’m sure he can help, so as a personal problem, which he wrote, — quite common in our day phenomenon. Men and women are facing difficult times due to the blurring of the boundaries of the sexes in the public consciousness that even in the times of his youth, our mothers were quite clearly defined.
However, to help the person can, first, if he wants to, and secondly, if you are ready to make some effort and, as I said, to take the next step.
With regard to objections, both of which lead the author of the letters, they do not refute said Tatiana Gaganova, but rather confirm. Every man is built differently, personality characteristics are formed of a plurality of components, each with its own character. The article talks about some typical situations. In life they can rarely occur in pure form, often overgrown with all sorts of items. While anyone is very difficult to look at the situation in which it cooks, and himself in this situation in a detached way. This is possible only if the goal or with the help of a psychologist. But often people do not even think about the deeper causes and roots of their problems. Or are not even aware of these problems they have. What a loving mother voluntarily admits that her love is selfish and that she hurt her son and mispronounces his life? Yes and loving son would not be blaming your mother that she is to blame for his problems. Yes and this should not be done, because everyone loves the way he knows how. And in this hidden cause of many tragedies.